WATER, WATER EVERYWHERE

The city council of Zoombahboo, Alabama, population 212, created quite a stir this week when they refused to remove the last remaining White Only drinking fountain in the city.

The general consensus was, to quote Mayor Willard Ferguson IX, great grandson of the city founder Willard Ferguson IV, “If we wuz to remove the fountain it’d mean we admit we wuz guilty of sumpin’; treatin’ Black folks bad ‘n stuff; then we’d have ta go an’ apologize ‘n then they’d all be suin’ us and there’d be no end on it.”

His brother, former Mayor Willard Ferguson VIII, continued: “Truth be told we had a Black Only drinking fountain up there, too. And accordin’ to those big city boys, that means we wuz jus’ bein’ incloosive.”

His cousin, former mayor Cletus Ferguson, suddenly demanded: “If ya gives in to these folks now, who’s gonna be next? I’m sho’ glad we didn’t have no Brown Only fountains… did we Uncle Willard?”

“Naw,” Willard IX retorted. “Besides, ever’body’s gone through some hard times. These folks is all lookin’ fer a handout. I sez we caint be givin’ free water to everyone.”

The reason I’m calling attention to this story is that Zoombahboo recently named Manhattan Beach as their sister city. They noted several things we have in common: our populations are both .8% African American, (Dorothy and Alvin Davis, the two African American residents of Zoombahboo, refused to comment on this story), both have a history of ignoring their racist past and refusing to own up to it ,and both share concerns about the devastating and cataclysmic repercussions of saying “I’m sorry.”

Anyway, they had a big rally at the Zoombahboo High School football game last week, led by quarterback Willard Ferguson X and Prom Queen Miss Charlotte Ferguson (relation). When the game started and Miss Charlotte led the fans in the school chant “The past is gone, Let’s move on, The past is gone, Let’s move on,” sung to the tune of Oh Where Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone, the entire Zoombahboo Fighting Zoomers football team stopped the game and took a knee.

A visibly touched Agatha Ferguson, 96 year old matriarch of the family said it brought tears to her eyes. “Reminded me of back in ’63 when The Guv’nah blocked the schoolhouse doors,” she sobbed wistfully.

Unfortunately the visiting team, from nearby Pawlatchahatchee, a predominantly minority suburb, continued playing football and ran up a 42-0 lead before the game was stopped.

The Zoomers were angry, claiming their First Amendment rights were violated. They demanded the game be canceled, (but not like the liberals do) or the score changed to one that would better reflect the good intentions of the Zoomers. To illustrate, several of them scaled the wall of the press box, glaring menacingly at scoreboard operator, Lester Ferguson.

When the police were finally called to calm the riotous crowd, Miss Charlotte Ferguson, safe inside the locker room, oblivious to the chaotic scene outside, while partaking of the spread at the snack table was heard to say: “Let them drink Perrier.”