RIOT AVERTED AT MCHS

A riot was narrowly averted yesterday at Mira Costa High School when a mob of several hundred teenage boys surrounded the administration building, clamoring and demanding to be enrolled in the school. The action apparently was prompted by a notice left on a locker room door, stating that boys could gain access to the girls’ locker room if they identified as female. A small group left the premises when they realized they had misread the notice. One student declared “I thought it said ‘If you can IDENTIFY a female.’” However the majority of enrollees remained and were given temporary permits to attend.

A pack of jeering Trifecta supporters decried the incident as a cynical ploy by other school board candidates to boost district enrollment. It should be noted that the Trifecta claim of declining enrollment was the only issue they could come up with, other than book burning and rewriting history, so they were naturally livid. One disgruntled supporter muttered “Why didn’t we think of that?, now all we’ve got is Measure A.”

Administrators noted that the increased enrollment enables the school to qualify as a National Gender Equity School winner, which includes the receipt of huge Federal Grants and nationwide recognition for advancing the rights of minorities and promoting diversity. Another positive result of the sudden enrollment surge is that the Mira Costa Girls Basketball team is now heavily favored to win the Bay League this year.

Trifecta supporters weren’t the only losers as a result of the Mustangs’ compliance with State laws. Nearby NorthEast High School administrators bitterly complained that they had lost their entire soccer team to the enrollment frenzy at Costa. “We would never do something like that,” complained an assistant coach, unaware that his school is subject to the same regulations. He vowed to get his team back, suggesting they might modify their Adolescent Health class to include free popcorn and nachos.

Several apparent Trifecta supporters were especially concerned about the possibility that their sons would be distracted by this unwelcome temptation. One said he might be able to live with the new regulation only if girls were required to wear burkas. Another complained that things were better when “we didn’t have all these LGBTQ groups takin’ up all the letters of the alphabet like they own it.”

In a late development, three kindly looking white haired, gentlemen applied for a special permit to enroll, claiming it’s never too late to learn.