GAY BRIDE

Dedicated readers: An old essay.

My back is sore. I hurt it the other day. It happens every time I try to drag one of those right wing fundamentalists into the 21st century. They’re always kicking and screaming about their rights and their freedom and the word of their God. They live in such a hyper-excited state of fear and sexual repression they can barely contain their paranoia.

The Supreme Court just made it a Federal law allowing gay couples the right to marry. This is giving the fundamentalists fits. Christian bakeries are having a particularly difficult time with the looming prospect of serving wedding cake to a lesbian couple. Let them eat cake; as long as it's someone else's.

An often-heard refrain from the religious right is the harmful effect the presence of same sex couples will have on children. But to attribute the worldly adult imagination to an innocent child is wrong, especially the

deeply inhibited imaginations of many on the right. While some disturbed adults, imaginations run amok may conjure scenes of the muscular Millicent placing a moist morsel of confection on the slithering tongue of the supine and sensual Cynthia, I doubt whether a child would imagine anything more than two people walking down the aisle in love.

I can hear the echoes of the hell-obsessed Jerry Falwell calling forth the vengeance of God on these evil practitioners of blasphemy: scorching heat, floods, locusts. Unfortunately this causes more head scratching than fear since it reminds most people of a typical summer in Texas. Just don’t mess with the barbeque, Lord.

Meanwhile the Pope is doing his part to bring the flock into the new millennium as he pronounced his opinion on the causes of global warming. He recognized that the excessive heat caused by burning people at the stake was depleting the ozone and called for an immediate moratorium on that venerable Church custom. He also promised to form a committee to take up the issue of pedophilia among the clergy, calling it an abomination and recalling the Biblical admonition “doeth the Lord’s work, but don’t get caught with your pants down.”

True believers look with derision at the wild-eyed, bearded Imams and Ayatollahs of the East; they cast amused and condescending glances at the African shamans and witch doctors. Yet their own high priests and pastors are treated with rock star reverence. Admittedly, it is difficult to surpass the Pope when it comes to making a fashion statement; purple robes, six-cornered hats adorned with jewels and a gold crucifix the size of Manhattan makes for tough competition. Still, I don’t understand why Christian fanatics, who attack abortion clinics, restrict abortions and condemn the poorest and weakest women to a lifetime of suffering get a free pass while Muslim fanatics are reflexively condemned. It is obvious that Fundamentalists of all religions are equal opportunity terrorists.

So let’s celebrate this victory for human rights. Civilization is the story of humanity clawing its way out of the cesspool of ignorance and superstition, guided by science and the fundamental belief in freedom and dignity for all. The leaders in the March of Progress are to be congratulated for their courage. It is left to the growing number of enlightened and energized citizens of the world to follow their lead and continue the struggle. Could someone please pass me two more ibuprofen?