PARKING UP THE WRONG TREE

We’ve never had a parking problem on our street; not until Lexus Lucy moved in. We didn’t know her name for quite awhile. Everyone in the neighborhood called her Lexus Lucy on account of the Lexus she always parked in front of her house; and the Lexus she parked in her driveway. That’s right, she had two.

Richard, across the street, and I had a running argument and made a bet. He said she had two Lexuses. I said the proper term would be two Lexi. We decided to go down and question a few Lexus dealers. “How many Lexi do you have on the lot?” I would ask. Most of them ignored my question and suggested I look at their SUVs. “Big rebates on SUVs,” they informed me. One salesman finally answered: “The plural of Lexus is Lexus; there are forty four Lexus on our lot.” Richard couldn’t have paid me anyway if he’d lost. He owed over $1500 in parking tickets since Lexus Lucy moved in.

Before the trouble started we just referred to her as the lady with the French poodle. She kept to herself, never talked to anyone but often had animated conversations with the dog. No one paid much attention until it became obvious it was her dog leaving ‘thank you notes’ on our lawns. That’s when the trouble started.

Richard had a security camera and caught Fifi in the act. That’s right. Lexus Lucy’s real name was Fifi. The camera caught Fifi walking her dog and failing to pick up after it one day. Richard confronted her shortly after. She expressed surprise when challenged. “Moi?”

she asked. Richard, who spoke fluent French replied: “Oui.” Fifi picked up her dog and left, but not before it had the last oui oui. Three days later Richard got his first ticket.

Richard has one of those monster pickup trucks that’s about 46 feet long. When he parks it in his driveway it blocks about two feet of the sidewalk. Lexus Lucy was having no more of that and she apparently began calling Parking Enforcement. Several tickets later Richard moved his truck. Richard had nowhere else to park his truck except on the street, where he ran into his next problem: the city plan for “enhanced revenue,” commonly known as Street Sweeping.

For the past several years the city had maintained several street sweeping signs on our block clearly stating: No Parking Alternate Thursdays from noon until 3; fines doubled during Lent and Ramadan. We all fell victim to the trap occasionally but Richard had a particularly difficult time, having always used his driveway instead of parking on the street; however, we all avoided the fines during Lent thanks to the McDonoughs down the street, good Catholics who dutifully knocked on every door on our block, informing us of the looming danger and asking for a small donation to their church which we soon renamed Our Lady of the Sacred Street Sweeper.

I should note that Lexus Lucy never once got a parking ticket. She is what is known as a savant; someone who, when asked what day was it on Sept. 6, 1325 will respond: “Tuesday, of course.” Naturally, moving her car on alternate Thursdays was a breeze.

I decided to bet Richard I could do the same thing. “Okay,” Richard began, what day was it on June 22, 1194?” “That would be a Sunday,” I quickly replied. Richard, having some facility with computers, googled the date and haughtily declared it was a Monday. “Of course,” I responded, “if you’re using the Gregorian calendar. I assumed you meant the Julian calendar.” Richard didn’t pay up on that bet either.

One thing everyone agrees on: it was a Wednesday afternoon when the police arrived at Lexus Lucy’s house. We all assembled on the front lawn to hear the officer read the formal complaint that Richard had filed with the city. Fifi stood stone-faced as the officer began to read from the order in a booming, stentorian voice: “Fifi Moskowitz,” he bellowed. There was a sudden gasp from the crowd as we all stared at each other in disbelief. “Fifi Moskowitz,” we murmured. THE Fifi Moskowitz!

We should have known. How could we not have put the pieces together? -- the French poodle, the uncanny ability to recite ancient calendar dates, the Lexus (Lexi?) in front of the house. The woman we knew as Lexus Lucy was actually the infamous Palmdale Parking Piranha, known to have caused chaos and destruction in every neighborhood she had occupied. For years we had read about the riots, bedlam, pandemonium she had caused throughout the country. She always avoided detection by failing to register with the county as a repeat Parking Offender.

We were powerless, the officer informed us. We were in turmoil. The entire neighborhood fell into disarray. The McDonoughs got confused and began knocking on our doors during Advent. Richard declared bankruptcy and put his home up for sale and moved to Cleveland. Our neighborhood was shaken and it took us months to restore order.

But out of the chaos something good happened. Shortly after Richard moved out the new neighbors moved in; a lovely family, Mohammed al Hasaan, his wife and two children. We all became a close knit group once again. Mohammed and his wife would always knock on our doors to let us know Ramadan was coming.